thoughts about nothing

Right now, I’m sitting at my desk, watching the cursor blink on a blank page. It’s not demanding, but it does feel expectant. I don’t have anything profound on my mind. No big lesson. No takeaways.

I'll admit — I am tired, of late. I’ve been giving and pouring a lot out lately, and somewhere along the way, I forgot to take a pause. It's all good, though. I’m not complaining, just noticing and acknowledging.

I originally didn't want to spend time thinking or doing anything today. I am reminded of a dear friend of mine — who once challenged me to do absolutely nothing for a day — simply rest, recharge, and just 'be'. She made it sound easier than it seems, for my mind is very active, restless, with a constant urge to do something. Anything.

I think back to my 20s, a time when I was constantly on the run—hoping to learn something, do something, achieve something. Now, as I’ve just begun my 30s, I find myself with a different perspective. While all the skills I’ve gained along the way are valuable, I’m starting to see that there’s more to life than just the constant hustle and grind.

I reckon I've gotten better at being still now. I don't do much in terms of practicing it — I think journaling definitely helps. I've tried Meditating in the past, but it hasn't worked in the way I hoped. I still close my eyes on occasion, pay attention to my breath, and take note of the thoughts that come to mind — but it only works to a certain extent.

If anything, I can always think of my friend — well, two people in my life actually — who have this calm, composed, and an easy demeanor about them. As I write this, I'm reminded of a quote from Marcus Aurelius in Meditations.

Whenever you want to cheer yourself up, consider the good qualities of your companions, for example, the energy of one, the modesty of another, the generosity of yet another, and some other quality of another; for nothing cheers the heart as much as the images of excellence reflected in the character of our companions, all brought before us as fully as possible. Therefore, keep these images ready at hand.

I am writing this primarily from a need to reconnect with myself. To clear my hazy mind. Writing doesn’t fix the exhaustion, but it helps me sit with it. It gives it shape.

I used to think I had to wait for clarity before I could write — that I needed a clean idea. But I’m learning that writing can also be a way of checking in — with myself, with the moment.

So here I am. Writing. Thoughts about mostly nothing. Not because I have answers, or even the energy, but because I wanted to feel a little more connected — to myself, to the stillness, to whoever might be reading this and nodding along.

If that’s you - hi. I hope you’re being gentle with your own in-between moments too.